i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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