Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
