I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
