remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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