You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
