ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
