I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
