He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
