My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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