well I can't set my house on fire every night
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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