Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
