OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
