I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
