i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
