our cab driver is having phone sex.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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