a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
