Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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