puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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