remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
