Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
