Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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