just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
