I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
he told me I talked like a deaf person
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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