I just pynch a tree in the face
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize