Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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