My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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