Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
