Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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