There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
