I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
