I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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