Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How does one acquire holy water?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
