remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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