i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
