i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
