There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
