just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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