your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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