he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
