I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
