I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
