You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
