Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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