my phone needs a breathalizer
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
