do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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