I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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