She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
