The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
