low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
