I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
