He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
