I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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