His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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