I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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