My liver just broke up with me...
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
