May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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