he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
